11 year-old memories…

It’s amazing how memories are frozen in your mind; how specific moments surrounding an incident are remembered so clearly. Eleven years ago tomorrow (January 20^th), we lost our first son. While much of that time remains a blur, there are certain things I haven’t forgotten – random acts of kindness, random events, random thoughts that crossed my mind…

Random acts of kindness…

• Just a few hours after Elad died, I was standing outside the hospital entrance and ran into one of the young doctors. He’d not only treated Elad in the ICU, he had also been especially friendly and kind to us. I’ll never forget the way he just stood there and hugged me when I began to cry uncontrollably. I’ve never forgotten his name or his act of kindness.
• I barely remember the funeral itself. One of the only things I remember is how tightly my friend Grace squeezed my hand for the duration of the ceremony and the burial, and how grateful I was to have her there, holding my hand like that.
• One of the most incredible acts of kindness I can remember from that time actually took place once I’d already returned to work. It was more than a month later, and I was still in such pain, trying to muddle through. Someone in the office had given birth and brought the baby in for a visit. Needless to say, it killed me. I will never forget how my friend Lesly assessed the situation, suddenly decided she needed something from home and that I had to go with her. She saved my sanity that day, and I’m not even sure she realized how much. Eleven years later, I’m still grateful. Thanks, Les.

I’m guessing there were others – there’s no way I could have gotten through that darkest period of my life without the people around me. I’m not quite sure what I did to deserve such amazing friends, but thank you all.

I’ve probably blocked out many of the memories from that time, and of course, there others that are too painful to talk about. Here are just a few random events I feel I can share, though I must admit that I’m not sure why some of these are easier than others…

• We were staying in a special “apartment” in the hospital designed for parents of patients, as we did on several occasions during Elad’s hospitalization. This time we knew the situation was very bad, and neither of us wanted to leave. The call from the ICU came during the night and we made our way downstairs. I want to say that we were preparing ourselves, but really, how can you prepare yourself to face the death of your child? Elad was disconnected from far too many machines and we were left alone in the room with him to say goodbye. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget how it felt to hold him for the last time…
• As soon as I could, I phoned Grace to tell her what had happened. Once I’d said her name into the phone, I could no longer speak, and silently handed the phone to my husband, who shared our devastating news.
• At the time, I was fortunate enough to work with the most compassionate, supportive group of people I’ve ever come across in a workplace. I waited until the next day to give them the news, knowing that a big company party had been planned for that evening and I didn’t want to ruin it for them. I’m proud to be able to say that eleven years later, I can still call many of those amazing people my friends.

Random thoughts and feelings…

• After we were called down to the ICU that last night, while we were waiting to be allowed in to see him, I remember thinking that we should inquire about organ donation, but the doctors never mentioned it. In the end, I forgot to ask. I regret that, and have had my own organ donor card ever since.
• A sadness that I can’t even begin to describe, mixed with overwhelming relief. Relief that Elad’s suffering was finally over and relief that we no longer had to watch him suffer, that we no longer had to be in that place where our lives ground to a halt.
• I remember wondering if I would ever be able to smile again, if I would ever be able to laugh again. At the time, both seemed impossible. I can remember walking around, watching people go about their daily business and thinking that it seemed absolutely surreal.

I cannot believe that eleven years have passed, nor can I believe all that’s happened since. I am in awe of the journey that we’ve been on and of those who chose to accompany us along the way. I cannot find the words I need to appropriately thank you for all you’ve done, but I will say that often, there have been times that I would not have gotten through on my own, without you. And I am grateful.

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