You would think that after 13 years, my coping skills would be better. And yet, here I am once again, just a few days shy of January 20th, the anniversary of our firstborn’s passing, quietly (or perhaps not so quietly) struggling to maintain the remaining shreds of my sanity through wave after wave of wildly unpredictable emotions.
Some years, it passes by smoothly and practically unnoticed. Other years are harder. Last year was especially rough. As I awaited the upcoming release of “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Grieving and Recovery”, which contained a story I’d written about our loss (coming with its own set of mixed emotions), I was blindsided by the news that a good friend lost her three-year-old daughter in an accident. On its own, the news would certainly have sent me reeling, but combined with what I was feeling over my own impending milestone date, I quickly found myself engulfed in raw, searing, emotional anguish that I hadn’t felt in years. My old wounds had been unexpectedly ripped open, and I wasn’t sure if the agony I was feeling was more for my friend or for myself. As I tried to be there for her, I worked very hard at trying not to let her or most people know just how bad off I was. I don’t know if I succeeded or not.
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Tags: Chicken Soup for the Soul, children, coping, death, Family, grief, Loss, NICU, preemie, sadness
Category Daily life, Family, Loss, Self-Reflection |
I am…
I am…
A mother
Gently pressing lips
Against a little boy’s cheek
As he dreams
I am…
Shy
The quietest person
In a room full of friends
And yet
I am…
Helpful
Because I want to be liked
And not left out
As I used to be
I am…
Apologetic
Fearful of losing
People I love
During stupid arguments
(more…)
Tags: childhood, Family, love, poetry, self-reflection, vulnerability
Category Childhood Memories, Family, poetry, Self-Reflection |
For me, one of the most remarkable aspects of Facebook is that it provides so many of us with an opportunity to come full circle; to reach beyond the relatively shallow aspects of our former, younger selves and build on the positive aspects of the relationships of our youth. We have, hopefully, shed our bitchy, divisive teenage angst and injected wisdom and maturity accumulated during the years that have passed, allowing these relationships to grow on new, wonderful levels. Perhaps you weren’t friendly with everyone back in the day, but to a certain degree, each individual played a role in the tapestry of our formative years – loving us, hating us or not knowing we existed, with a never-ending palette of grey shades in between.
As a member of such a community, I feel very blessed. I am often in awe of how we have come together with a unity that deserves to be celebrated, despite the time gone by and the great physical distances between us. I am encouraged by our collective urge to reach out to one another as adults and the desire to cast aside our childhood differences and form friendships with those who knew us when.
My friend A is one of those. (more…)
Tags: accountability, birthday wishes, Caribbean, child, children, cruise, cruising, death, Death on the High Seas Act, DOHSA, Facebook, HAL, Half Moon Cay, Holland America, law, legal, Loss, private island, responsibility, tragedy
Category Changing the world, Childhood Memories, Friendships, Loss |
With blackened wings, she takes flight
Fleeing through a starless night
Scattered ashes fleck the sky
She is phoenix rising
And in her darkness, she cries
For stars burned out before their time
Never had the chance to shine
She is phoenix rising
She knows the road to hell
Of memories forced to make
A splintered heart that aches
She is phoenix rising
With blackened wings, she climbs
Battered self she leaves behind
Elusive solace still to find
And yet, she knows she’s phoenix rising
(more…)
Tags: Loss, phoenix, poetry, recovery
Category Loss, poetry |
I can say, without a doubt, that my love of and knowledge regarding Israeli music is a direct result of my years Young Judaea‘s Camp Tel Yehudah. Every day after lunch we’d have a camp-wide sing-along, working our way through the camp songbook, calling out favorites (often by page number – such was our familiarity with the songbook) and singing song after song at the tops of our lungs. The songs were taught to us by whomever the music counselor happened to be that summer, and songs ran the gamut. We learned folk songs and relatively contemporary hits, and in the early years, our singing was accompanied by an accordion. This all changed the summer that Jay arrived on the scene, for Jay played an electronic synthesizer. We were wowed by his talents and thrilled by his song choices. His synthesizer not only gave new life to the old songs we loved, but it also provided the gateway that allowed us to enter the world of Israeli rock, for as much as we appreciated the accordion, it simply didn’t do justice to Israeli music from the 80s.
In short, we were hooked! We quickly learned the words to all the new songs, singing loudly at mealtimes and pushing our chairs back so that we could jump up and dance. Of course, everyone had their own favorite song, but there were a few that were loved by everyone. “Yom Shishi” (“Friday”) by the popular Israeli band Benzene (for whom I can’t seem to find a link in English, unfortunately – the Hebrew Wikipedia page can be found here) – led by the talented Yehuda Poliker - was probably the most requested song of the summer one year, and to this day, whenever I hear it, I can’t help but sing along (as long as there’s no one in earshot) and start to dance (again, as long as no one else is around, since I really, really can’t dance…). (more…)
Tags: Benzene, Israel, Music, Tel Yehudah, Yehuda Poliker, Yom Shishi, Young Judaea
Category Childhood Memories, Israeli Music Monday, Music, Pop Culture |
On a drizzly Sunday morning in Niskayuna, NY, as my family and I were heading out the door to attend a picnic for my 20th high school reunion, a quick look at the news revealed that an Israeli soldier had been kidnapped. The date was June 25th, 2006. It’s been more than five long years since Gilad Shalit was taken across the border into Gaza. Five years of demonstrations, banners, tents and marches; a nation refusing to give up on the dream of bringing one him home. And tomorrow, if all goes according to plan, Gilad will finally be coming home. The price is painful, but in my opinion, Israel is doing the right thing. The current instability in the Middle East means that we may not have gotten another opportunity to carry out the exchange, and five years is a long time to be held in captivity.
In addition to the official negotiating teams, there was one individual working behind the scenes; one individual who made contact with someone from the other side and laid the groundwork for getting Gilad Shalit released. That individual was an American-born Israeli who grew up in the same youth movement that I did – Young Judaea.
Say what you will about youth movements, Zionism and the like, but Young Judaea helped to make me the person I am today. It taught me how to think critically; it taught me that there doesn’t have to be just one way to do things. And it taught me that together, we can change the world. (more…)
Tags: Ani Ve'ata, Arik Einstein, changing the world, Gershon Baskin, Gilad Shalit, Israel, Music, Young Judaea
Category Changing the world, Current Events, Diaspora, Israeli Music Monday, Music, Pop Culture, Regional, Uncategorized |
As some of you may remember, several years ago I wrote a weekly blog post for a series I called “80s Music Video Sunday“. Having grown up in the 80s, the music of that decade was the background music of my teen years – the theme music for my teenage angst, if you will. Each week I chose a different song and wrote about the memories behind the choice, waxing nostalgically about everything from my first slow dance to the music I listened to on a loop when I was confined to a hospital bed in Jerusalem after shattering my ankle, to my student activist days in university.
I managed to keep that series going for about a year before I felt that I’d run out of things to write about, and I regretted it. I enjoyed being able to share the stories and experiences of my past alongside the songs that had played such a dominant role in my life, but it was becoming harder to come up with new ideas and the songs were becoming increasingly more obscure. With a heavy heart and a touch of relief, I put an end to the series, while at the same time wondering how I’d be able to resurrect it – or something like it – later on. (more…)
Tags: 80s, Boston University, Israel, Music, Young Judaea
Category Fun stuff, Israeli Music Monday, Music, Pop Culture |
On this, your special day
Not quite your forty-third
I think of all you mean to me
And try to find the words
I’ll write about the enemies
Of distance and of time
Of how we seem to beat them
(And how I made it rhyme)
I think of all the games we’ve played
That spawned a name or two
The adventures we’ve already had
And those still yet to do
I think of all the secrets shared
Through more than twenty years
The joys and inside jokes
And a fair amount of tears
You never fail to make me laugh
And rarely make me cry
It only seems to happen when
We have to say goodbye
And so on this, your special day
I look back on all we’ve done
On everything we’ve shared
The laughter and the fun
I think of all I wish for you
A wish without an end
A wish that all of yours come true
For you, my special friend
(more…)
Tags: best friend, birthdays, childhood, friendship, poetry
Category Childhood Memories, Friendships, poetry |
As I watch you sleeping in the night
Arms wrapped around your pillow, oh so tight
Little fingers clutch a furry little toy
Dispelling any daytime myths
That you’re not a little boy
And in the darkness, you beckon me to come
A frightened little boy who wants his mum
Eyes barely open, I stumble to your side
Take you in my arms
Your little body close to mine
You’re the jackpot I never thought I’d win
I get lost when you flash your gap-toothed grin
You make up for all that came before
You’re all I ever wanted, and infinitely more
Oh, I know you’re not perfect…
But when it comes down to it – who is?
When you’re the best you that you can be
For me it’s simply bliss
And as I watch you sleeping in the night
In darkness broken by a little light
I say a silent prayer, wishing this could last
Wishing that my little boy
Would not grow up so fast
(more…)
Tags: children, Family, poetry
Category Family, poetry |
It’s book give-away time everyone! I’ve got one copy of the Chicken Soup book with my story in it – “Chicken Soup for the Soul – Grieving and Recovery” – up for grabs, so I’ve decided to have some fun and send it off to one lucky fan of my Facebook writer page – with a catch. You have to be prepared to offer me something in return!
All you have to do to enter the contest is… (more…)
Tags: Chicken Soup for the Soul, Contest
Category Fun stuff, Shameless Self-Promotion, Writing |
