I’ve been trying to write about the person I’ve become since October 7th, but the truth is that my thoughts and emotions feel too big for words. Every time I try, including this time, I find myself at a loss regarding how to proceed. The writing below is disjointed – just like my thoughts and emotions…
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To say that I now see the world through a very different lens is an understatement. I am more cautious – more guarded. I share less, because it makes life less complicated. I see people—including people I love—differently as well (for better and for worse), and act accordingly. My trust in people has shifted.
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I am ideologically homeless. Groups that I’ve supported and with whom I otherwise agree on so many subjects have dehumanized me, deciding that my identity as a Jew and as an Israeli make me persona non grata – that nothing else about me matters. In a sad twist of irony, there are certain groups with whom I otherwise disagree about absolutely everything that are stepping up to call out antisemitism and show support for what Israelis are going through. I still haven’t figured out how to reconcile this, and I am profoundly saddened by these realizations. And, if I’m being honest, I no longer see myself calling out hatred against those who are silent in the face of Jew hatred, or those who have actively chosen to turn on us, despite our proven track record of standing up for so many others.
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Witnessing the dizzying increase in acts of Jew hatred around the world is terrifying. I try to imagine if this is how Jews felt in the past as they watched their world unravel in real-time, while at the same time I find myself thinking how “lucky” they were not to see the amplification of hateful voices using social media platforms today. I can’t believe how much people hate us and how acceptable it’s become to say so – or to gaslight us by saying it isn’t happening.
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Even though I hate the actions of Israel’s governing coalition with regard to the war and everything else they choose to do or not do, and even though I won’t hesitate to criticize them in person to the people around me or in writing to other Israelis or Jews, I rarely post these criticisms online anymore, because it infuriates and disappoints me when people can’t be bothered to respond or show support when I post about antisemitism but are quick and seemingly quite content to back me up when I’m critical of Israel.
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It is surreal to watch non-Jews leading normal lives while our lives are anything but normal. Even if they don’t say it out loud, your Jewish friends are not okay. When was the last time you reached out to ask them how they’re doing? When was the last time you created space for their pain? We are tiptoeing around you – maybe we think you don’t care… Maybe we’re afraid to be judged or criticized… Your Jewish friends are hurting – all of us.
I’m so grateful for those friends who do ask how I’m doing and let me know I’m in their thoughts – especially those who make the effort to reach out privately and not in response to something I’ve posted. I feel the same way about non-Jewish allies who share posts calling out and condemning antisemitism or irrational anti-Israel sentiments or sharing posts in support of Israel. You are all bright spots in a dark world, and it means more to me than you will ever know.
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Spending even a few moments on social media as a Jew is like… “Stop centering yourselves.” “Stop playing the victim.” “Stop playing the ‘antisemitism’ card.” “Criticism of Israel isn’t antisemitism.” “Genocide supporter.” “Baby killer.” “Zionazi.” “Go back to Europe.” “75 years of illegal occupation.” “Hamas is a resistance group.” “Zionism has nothing to do with Judaism.” “Zionist.” “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free.” “The reports about Israeli women being brutally sexually assaulted and raped have all been debunked.” “Free Palestine.” “Murderer.” “Don’t you care about the Palestinians?”
And when a non-Jew uses the word “Zionism” like a slur and you ask them what they think the word means, they either talk over you because they’re convinced that they know better or they block you.
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I no longer believe that peace is possible. I still want it to happen, but I have absolutely no more hope that it will. I’ve given up.
