I’m in my parents’ cozy living room, sitting at the computer table while my husband lounges on the couch watching a World Cup match and my son naps next to him. The winds outside are really whipping up, and the sky is growing darker and darker, in anticipation of forecasted thunderstorms. Today has been the first day that I haven’t actually left the house – so relaxing!
With just over a week to go before we return to Israel, my feelings about going are ambivalent at best. I can’t help but wonder if our lives would be better here, easier somehow. Even though I’ve been living in Israel for nearly fifteen years, I suppose I will always feel more comfortable here. Even the unknown is relatively familiar, and my natural instincts kick in. Life isn’t a puzzle here like it is in Israel, where despite my language fluency and successful acclimation, I still often feel as though I’m shooting in the dark, as though I will never fit in 100%. Of course, after so many years abroad, I imagine that it would be hard to be completely American either, but I suppose that what it comes down to is that which comes naturally versus that which must be learned. A recent conversation over large lattes at Starbucks with my friend N, who lives in Europe and was also here visiting her family (we coordinated visits “home”) confirms what I’ve been feeling on this subject, though I actually believe that she is generally happier and feeling more comfortable where she is than I feel in Israel.

It’s tough being an expat, even when you are living somewhere you chose to live. I have some good friends in Israel, but my “soulmate” friends are all abroad, whether it be N in Europe or the dear friends we stayed with last week in New Jersey, where everything was wonderful (except for my knee acting up and causing me to miss one of our NYC days) and we had five days of perfectly meshed personalities on every level. Of course, it’s also been wonderful for the little one, who has been having a fabulous time making new friends, hitting the playgrounds and amusement parks and charming the pants off of all who cross his path. (And his English just keeps getting better and better – it’s amazing to watch!) While I realize that we are on vacation, and daily life would certainly be different if we were actually living here, as I look around me at the lives of my friends, I think that it would be nice for us to be here too. My son’s educational and extracurricular opportunities would certainly be greater, as would my professional opportunities. We’ve talked about relocating to the US for a few years, but we don’t know what my husband could do, given that his professional experience is very focused on one particular area, and isn’t really something that he could do here.

Then there’s the normalcy, the idea of living in a country whose very existence isn’t questioned, a place where life isn’t lived in such an intense, “in-your-face” manner and banality is the norm, should you so desire. Everything about life in Israel is intense, and you often don’t realize just how stressful it is until you get out for a while, like I’ve done now.

On the flip side of all this are all the great things about living in Israel – my sense of personal security (in the “I-can-take-my-dog-for-a-walk-at-2:30am-without-having-to-worry” sort of way, not in the “watch-out-for-suspicious-people/objects” sort of way), the friendliness and openness of many Israelis, and how they’re willing to help you at the drop of a hat, even when they don’t know you, socialized medicine (for better or for worse), and so on. It really is an amazing place to live.

Where am I going on this? I don’t know. These mixed feelings are always swirling around in my head, and they intensify whenever we come to the US for a visit. I suppose they are even more intense this time, as I see what kind of life my son could have here, as we miss out on relationships with those we hold dear. A dilemma, to be sure, and one that I cannot imagine ever solving.

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